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Laugh until you drop!



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UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM: FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks


1. Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?


2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR-
Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.


3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY


4. Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic


5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?


6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 5?


7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)


8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners


9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.


10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the
last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.


11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky


12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no


13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?


14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for
what country?


15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-
spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.


16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?


17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin


18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?


19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand
for?


IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

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A man received a parrot as a gift. It had a bad attitude and a worse
vocabulary. Every other word coming from the parrot was a swear
word
and the rest of the time the parrot was insulting.
The man tried hard to change the bird`s attitude by playing soft
music and teaching the bird nicer words
but nothing worked. If
nothing else
it got worse.
Finally the man became overcome with anger. He shook the parrot
and
the bird became ruder than before. Totally exasperated
the man put
the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments the man heard the
parrot squawking and kicking and screaming
but suddenly there was
silence.
Frightened that he might have killed the parrot
he opened the
freezer door. The parrot stepped out onto the man`s extended arm and
said: "I`m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and
my overall rude behavior
and I ask for your forgiveness. I will try
my best to mend my ways."
The man was stunned by the sudden turn of affairs. Just as he was
about to ask the parrot what caused his sudden change of attitude

the parrot asked him
by the way, what did the turkey do to annoy 
            you?

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street. "But officer
 the man began, 
I can explain..."

Just be quiet,
snapped the officer. "I`m going to let you cool
your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But
officer
I just
wanted to say...
 
And I said to keep quiet! You`re going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said

Lucky for you that the chief`s at his daughter`s wedding. He`ll be 
            in a good mood when he gets back.
Don`t count on it,
answered the
fellow in the cell. "I`m the groom."

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Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

Yes, well, I`m having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went 
            away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

It`s blank; it won`t accept anythink when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C:prompt on the screen?

What`s a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isn`t any cursor: I told you, it won`t accept anything I 
            type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

What`s a monitor?

It`s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it 
            have a little light that tells you when it`s on?

I don`t know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power 
            cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it`s plugged 
            into the wall.

Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were 
            two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again, and find the 
            other cable.

Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if it`s plugged securely into the 
            back of your computer.

I can`t reach.

Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?

No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, it`s not because I don`t have the right angle--it`s because 
            it`s dark.

Dark?

Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming 
            in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I can`t.

No? Why not?

Because there`s a power outage.

A power... A power outage?
Aha! Okay
we`ve got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug and pack it up just like it was when 
            you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it 
            from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, I`m afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them you`re too stupid to own a computer.
*CLICK!*

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                              MOVE TO ANTARTICA!

They're hip, they're cool, they're original, and you won't find them
anywhere else. They are the top ten reasons to move to Antartica. 

10. Year 'round ice skating
9. No passport needed
8. Your car won't need air conditioning
7. Feed the penguins (Even better than at the aquariam) 
6. Your skin will not get sunburned 
5. Privacy - No noisy neighbors 
4. Property is very cheap 
3. No taxes 
2. No laws 
1. The death rate is quite low 

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